My Baby, I Had to Let You Go

I fell pregnant for the second time in November 2016. I had already had a healthy baby girl.

I was so excited to be expanding my little family, and to have another little bundle of joy to love and go on adventures with. The day I saw those two pink lines my heart was happy again. I was so scared and nervous too! This story is for you, Oliver Philip.

Photo Credit: Maria Andrews

I rubbed my tummy, talking to you, my baby. I told you about everything we would do, and about your sister. I wondered whether you would look like mummy or daddy. Every night I would blow my belly a kiss, yet you would keep me awake with your kicks.

My 12-week scan on December 22, 2016, was perfect. You appeared on the screen bobbing around. My heart was full. Christmas was full of happiness because I was talking about you. I was excited for the future with you in it, little man.

My 16-week scan is where things went wrong. You were very small Ollie bear. You had so much fluid around you and your heart. The doctors and nurses were worried about you. They suggested I have a blood test to tell me whether there was a chance it was Down Syndrome, Patel Syndrome, or Edward Syndrome. My heart broke. The tears never stopped. To be honest, they still haven’t.

Forty-eight hours later, we had the results. There was a one-in-five chance you had one of them.

The following week I went back to the hospital where I saw you bobbing on the screen. But things had got worse, Oliver. There was much more fluid and your little heart wasn’t working properly. You were struggling. I knew then that something wasn’t right.

They took some fluid from my stomach, a procedure called "amniocentesis."

The following week I had to go back to the hospital for the results and a scan. I was 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant. You bobbed back up on the screen, but the fluid was worse. You were barely moving. The nurse confirmed what I already knew in my heart—that you were the little I had longed for and I had to let you go.

I was broken, Oliver.

I had to take some medicine and wait for labour to start. Two days later on March 2, 2017, at 12:25 a.m. you were born sleeping. You were so perfect. The days that followed were heartbreaking. You had to have an autopsy.

On March 17, 2017, we said our final goodbyes, laying you to sleep forever. I wanted to hold on to you and never let you go!

My baby I will always be thankful to have had you for the time I did. It has been 4.5 years of loving and missing you daily. And there's a lifetime to go.

Thank you @maria.andrews94 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss.

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