Photo Credit: Mya McCurry
July 2, 2020, started out as a normal day, but it would become a day that will haunt me forever.
I went to the ER mid day as something just felt wrong. No pain. No bleeding. But I wasn’t feeling my baby boy move as much as he had been.
I called my doctors who kept telling me not to be concerned. They finally agreed to tell the on-call doctor to expect me to come in.
After I arrived, the nurse started getting me hooked up. I knew something was wrong when she was having a hard time finding the heartbeat.
She called the doctor in for an ultrasound. He looked at me and said the words, “your baby has died.”
I was alone (because of COVID.) Scared. Couldn’t believe him. Shaking. Frantically looking for my phone to call my husband.
I couldn’t talk. It felt like my world stopped.
On July 3, 2020, after 26 hours of labor, we welcome our sweet 1 pound, 13 ounce baby boy into the world.
He was perfect. So tiny.
Grief is hard. Something that isn’t explainable until you’re in that spot. No one should ever have to experience the pain of birthing their child and not being able to take it home.
Little by little I am letting go of the loss, but never of the love that we have. I know one day, when the time is right, we will meet again in a much happier place.
Some days are worse than others, but those are the days that I rely on God a little harder.I have never questioned Him so hard.
I’ve never been so hurt, sad, lost, confused, mad, literally all at once.
Why put me through the pain? Why me? Why my baby? Why take him so late? Why do this?
But over the past year, my husband and I have gotten back into church and are realizing those are questions we will never get answers to.
So, I embrace the time we did have our son for—the seven months in my belly and the short time in the hospital.
I will forever have the best guardian angel. Happy first birthday to our angel. 🏼
Thank you Mya McCurry / @themyaleal for sharing your story. Shared with permission.
We know that losing a child is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can experience. Loved Baby is a beautiful resource to help grieving parents of faith through their darkest days.
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