It was a day like any other day. My two oldest kiddos and I went to get coffee and donuts. We were busy, busy, busy as we had just moved into a new house. I had had two perfectly healthy pregnancies that resulted in healthy babies. And my pregnancy up to that point was perfectly healthy and all my appointments went perfectly normal. When we got home from getting coffee and donuts, I realized I hadn’t really felt our baby girl moving around. Always on the go and with two toddlers, it didn’t seem too alarming at first as I figured she had probably been moving and I just wasn’t noticing. I sat down and tried moving her around and she wouldn’t wake up. My heart started racing as I felt something must not be right. I immediately called my OB office. The nurse told me to lay on my side and drink something with sugar to see if her blood sugar was just Low. I did so. I laid on my side on my bedroom floor watching my kids play in the back yard through the slider door. Still no movement. I called my dad and had him come over to watch the kids and headed straight to labor and delivery. I sat in the parking lot for a moment before heading in. I begged her to move. I prayed for a miracle. But I felt it in my gut that something was definitely wrong. I walked down the hall of L&D and checked in. I sat in the waiting room for a few minutes, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. They called me back. They immediately tried with the Doppler. Nothing. They brought it an ultrasound machine. Nothing. The nurse went and got a doctor to try. I began to hyperventilate and cry. I felt his hand on my shoulder as he said the words that changed my entire world forever. “I’m sorry sweetie, there is no cardiac activity.” I sat up about to throw up, sobbing, crying out that I needed my husband. I called him at work and said come straight to the hospital.
Photo by Lauren Seals
My baby. My girl. My perfectly healthy girl. Just gone! I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel. I just know in those moments I wanted to die with her. We spent the rest of the afternoon answering questions about what we wanted for delivery, what we wanted to do after. Just all the questions. That night, about eight hours later, I delivered our sweet girl via c-section. I was 37 weeks pregnant.
She was perfect. All 7lbs, 5oz of her little body! Absolutely beautiful. As we waited the afternoon before delivery, I had no idea what to expect, but I would have never anticipated just how beautiful she was going to be. For the next 72 hours my husband and I held her. Cried with her. Sang to her. Told her a lifetime worth of I love yous. But those 72 hours could never be enough. We were supposed to have her whole life. You are never meant to bury your child. Ever! But that’s exactly what we did. We will forever miss her. Forever long to know the girl she would’ve become. Our world is forever changed by her love, life, and death. I will spend my whole life looking forward to the day we see her again!
Lillian JonElla Seals, born silent. Born still. But still born. And still loved, forever and all eternity.
Thank you @sealsl4for sharing your story. Shared with permission.
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