Photo Credit: Mariah Copeland
Mary-Kate,
The first time I laid my eyes on you, you were but a teeny tiny embryo growing in a dish.
I could hardly believe my eyes when after only six days of you growing in my womb, two pink lines appeared. An experience in a department store bathroom I will not forget.
I cannot think of a time I was happier. Waking up every day knowing you were safe and thriving put me on top of the world.
We saw you wiggle and worm at the anatomy scan. You were healthy and so was I.
Less than 24 hours later something was wrong. I called the nurses daily. “You’re a first time mom,” they said. “Your body is changing and growing.”
Labor and delivery found nothing wrong and sent me on my way. The night grew and so did my discomfort. A sudden splash of my waters on the bathroom floor changed everything for us. I knew we would soon meet you and say goodbye in the same breath.
You left my body January 24, 2020 at 1:36 AM. The first time I held you, you were ice cold. No one prepared me for that. Babies are supposed to be warm and snuggly. I haven’t been the same since that morning. You were perfect in every way. Mommy’s nose and daddy’s ears. You were meant for us.
Doctors continue to contend if an incompetent cervix caused your departure. It’s been over two years now and we’ve suffered another loss—not including the one before you. We are still waiting for you to send us a brother or sister.
It’s been 6 years of trying, 4 medicated cycles, 3 IUI’s, going on 3 IVF egg retrievals, 9 embryo transfers, 4 surgeries, and 18 embryos. I cannot begin to count the appointments, ultrasounds, shots, or medications. I think of you every day. The ache for what will never be is constant. If love could bring you back, you would have never left.
Your little heart grew under mine for a short 19 1/2 weeks. We’ll continue to carry you in our hearts every day, darling girl.
Thank you Mariah Copeland / @mariahcopeland for sharing your story. Shared with permission.
Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss.
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