You Were Supposed to Be in My Arms

Photo Credit: Mirian Martinez

Dear Lanny Escalona, I waited for you. It felt like forever, but was five years to be exact. I wished upon a shooting star, to be a mommy—to be your mommy—and my dream came true.

I was the happiest I’ve been. I don't remember ever being that excited for the future, a future together, a future I had been looking forward to. I was so ready!

I remember the first time I saw you—one look at you and I cried. I couldn't hold myself together. I couldn't believe you were there, inside. Then I heard your heart beat and I fell completely in love. That was the most beautiful melody I've ever heard. I saw my body changing as you made it your home. You gave me the most beautiful gift, the gift of what it feels like to be a mommy. October 4, 2021 was a day we looked forward to.

It was the day you were supposed to make mommy and daddy's dream come true, to meet you and smother you with all the love we've been waiting to give you. May 27, 2021 was the day my entire world came to an end. Those words that constantly replay over and over in my head are, “I'm so sorry we can't find a heartbeat.”

That day I was in shock. Life stood still while I kept thinking it was a mistake.

I laid eyes on you and the room was silent. I couldn't even gaze into your eyes, but oh how beautiful you looked. You had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. I had the chance to meet you, kiss you, hug you all within twenty-four hours.

Instead of bringing you home, I walked out with just a memory box. And instead of choosing your crib set, I had to choose your tiny urn. <October 4>

You were supposed to be in my arms and instead you’re in an urn. An urn that not only contains you, but also our future and my heart. I hate that you’re gone and wish I could turn back time, relive every single second of your life, every single second we spent together. I guess love wasn't enough. Love doesn't always win. Mommy misses you. I just wish I could bring you back. It doesn't matter what I do—nothing will change. I will forever love and miss you until the day I get to hold you in my arms my beautiful angel.

Thank you Mirian Martinez / @mrs_mimi08 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss.

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